Trust

My husband is holding his cell phone to his ear as he looks at me, and says, “Do you have to call Toyota?”

“No, they always say we have 24 hours to call them, I paid online. Don’t worry about it.”

“Okay,” he said.

He has always trusted me to take care of our finances. Everything from the yearly taxes, to paying our monthly bills. Ever since I gave him a pile of paid bills to mail in, and he promptly put them in his glove compartment only to forget about them for weeks. That was 28 years ago. We were barely married a few months, and living on our own. Working as a waitress, and a musician; we couldn’t have foreseen that this was the start of a life-long struggle, and a deep love for one another.

Both of us raised in middle-class tradition, we were never taught how to handle our finances, or the importance of a credit score, or paying things on time. This was kept in the dark from us. A thing our parents said we didn’t need to concern ourselves with because we were just children. But the one thing we were raised with was the unflinching trust that goes along with a deep respect and love for one another. It isn’t that we’re always truthful about everything… “Did you deposit the whole $400.00?” “Yes”. Only to discover $380.00 was deposited, and $20.00 was kept out for a few days of Starbuck’s. But the basic trust that each of us has the other one’s back. We are in this together. For better or for worse. While I was raised by two loving parents, in a family of five, my husband was raised by a single Mom who made sure he and his younger sister knew how much they were loved.

Being married to a musician, life is never dull. We have had our bouts of feast or famine; drug addiction; flirting; and financial frustration… but we have never truly doubted our love for each other. It is strong, and devoted.

We have two boys who have been exasperated by the lack of money we have. They have always gone to private school so they could be safe, and got the best education money could buy. Both having learning disabilities, yet being highly intelligent and creative, we didn’t want them to ever think inside the box. However, in going to private school, they are the ones on scholarship; the ones who have to work that much harder to keep their grades up without the support of a tutor; the ones who have to set an example for other students. No vacations to Hawaii in the winter; no hang-gliding adventures; no allowances; and lots of community service for those future grants and scholarships if college was in their future. They are growing up to be fine, well-mannered young men who are still choosing their passion above money.

Some of you might be wondering where the climax is in this tale of love. Where’s the part when one of us realizes the other doesn’t feel the same way, or when there’s a crucial life-threatening moment where our love is tested. But that’s just it, there’s isn’t one. We already know the depth of our trust and love for one another. The fact that we can survive the day to day grind where nothing spectacular happens is a testament to our devotion. Those boring, non-passionate moments where every day blends into the next one, and life is neither black or white, but grey. Within those days are the times we grab a few moments to make passion out of the mundane. Where we have a wild, loud, and crazy night of love-making when the kids are both out of the house on sleep aways. When we can share an inside joke while shopping for groceries, or schedule our prospective baths after an excruciating class of yoga together. That’s what makes us realize our love is here to stay.

Although there is still self-doubt when looking in the mirror at our constantly aging bodies; or a pretty girl or boy walks by reminding us of the time we have lost; we still have the silent belief that we are one. I still believe we will reach more financial gain, but this is not what I need to make me happy in my life. Instead, it was the one true person who understood me to the depth of my soul. The one I could feel connected to, even in times of disconnect. Some people call this person their “soulmate”, but I don’t believe in this, for I feel we have many soulmates during our time on earth. This person is simply the one I feel most at home with. And for me, that is enough.